Oscar Night

I'm going to all kinds of spoil people. If you haven't seen The Departed or watched the Oscars you might not want to read this.

Anyone who knows me knows that I love movies and that I love the Oscars. Watching the Oscars though, kind of melts my brain, you know, in that way that sitting next to a hot guy in class kind of melts your brain, like that. So there's no guarantee that I'll be able to write coherently.

Again, if you know me, or read this blog, you know that I really wanted Leonardo Dicaprio to win an Oscar. For me, acting and writing are what really make films and acting and writing are all about making people feel something. Watching movies or reading stories would be a waste of my time if they didn't make me feel anything. In the movies all sorts of factors combine to make people feel something starting with a good story, but it doesn't matter how great the story is if the actors aren't able to capture the emotion at the heart of the story. Leonardo Dicaprio gets it done every time. Every. Time. I thought he deserved an Oscar the first time I saw him on screen (in This Boys Life), but he wasn't even nominated then and he didn't win tonight.

Forrest Whitaker won the best actor award tonight and as disappointed as it makes me that Leonardo Dicaprio didn't win I appreciated Forrest Whitaker winning primarily because his acceptance speech was beautiful. And speaking of acceptance speeches, the producer of The Departed (and Blood Diamond) acknowledged Leonardo Dicaprio's superior acting skill in his acceptance speech for best picture. It made me happy to hear someone else echo my opinion because so frequently I hear disagreement when I start to argue that Leonardo Dicaprio is one of the best actors working today.

It was also a nice consolation to me that The Departed won so many Oscars since it was my favorite movie last year. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was the only movie I saw in the theater last year. Of course I was happy it won best picture, and I was glad to see Martin Scorsese win best director. The one that really made me happy though, was the award for film editing.

Odd, you might think, that I noticed the film's editing, that anyone would notice film editing in any film really (aside from film editors), but especially that I would notice it since I'm a person that gets lost completely in films. Sometimes, if I see a movie many, many times I'll notice all the technical aspects, but I only saw The Departed once and I did really lose myself in the story (the sound bite, by the way, when it won best picture said that Scorsese said it was the first movie he ever directed that had a plot which I'm inclined to agree with).

There was one thing that I noticed though, that was a moment brought together by, (probably) the script, the direction, cinematography, and film editing. Near the beginning, during the police academy montage, one of them, Dicaprio's character I think, is taking notes in a weapons lecture and the lecture is about blow back. The professor talks about the police issued weapon and that blow back happens when someone is shot, at close range, in the head with such a weapon. Now, presumably it's a function of the caliber of bullet (and I think the professor even says so) and certainly plenty of people other than police officers use weapons of the same caliber, however, at the end of the movie, when the elevator opens and Dicaprio's character gets shot in the head, it's the perfect illustration of exactly the concept the guy was talking about in the beginning, blow back, and it seemed to me, like an obvious clue that the shooter was a cop. It's revealed almost immediately that it was a cop so it's not exactly like they're expecting you to take the clue and figure it out yourself, but the bookending of the lecture in the beginning and the shooting at the end was so beautifully just on the line between subtle and obvious and part of what made it so perfect was the way they cut together the shooting scene.

So, as much as the acting and the writing make a movie for me, I thought that the editing and directing Oscars were well deserved by Thelma Schoonmaker and Martin Scorsese for The Departed. It was really a beautifully made film in every way.

And one last thing. Al Gore at the Oscars = priceless. Seriously, there should be a MasterCard commercial about it.

Commit to a sandwich topping

A while back I wrote that I couldn't commit to anything, not to a guy, or a job, or even a sandwich topping. That's not strictly true. My indecisiveness isn't really a fear of commitment it's a fear of options. In fact, once I do make a decision I really commit, to a guy (I was with my last boyfriend more than 7 years), to a job (I've had the same one for over 4 years) and to a sandwich topping.

I've become a regular at the Subway by my office. I go there 2 or 3 times a week and one of the guys that works there recognizes me now (he's kind of cute, by the way, he looks a little bit like Elvis Costello). I don't have to order anymore when I go there. He knows what to make for me because I order the exact same thing every time I come in.

I'm that girl, the one who is afraid to try new things and claims it's because I've already found things I like. I try not to be, but the thing that really terrifies me is options. Options mean I have to make a choice and that is the one thing I truly suck at. So, even at Subway, where I'm asked to make a myriad of decisions just to order lunch, I manage to convince myself that I don't have choices. I create a pattern and stick with it.

Usually, in life, I am a why asker. You know, those people who seem to have never gotten over the tendency we all had as toddlers to continuously and repeatedly ask "why"? Yeah, I'm one of those. I always question everything, especially things that seem like foregone conclusions.

However, when it comes to my habit of committing to something blindly rather than exploring my options, I haven't questioned at all. Until now. Why do I always get tuna on wheat? How do I know I don't like any of the other bread options if I haven't tried them? And tuna? I ate one tuna sandwich 6 months ago and decided it was the only kind of sandwich I ever wanted to eat again? What is that about?

Oddly enough I'm also the girl that people go to for relationship advise (for many types of advise really, but especially relationship advise) and I have to admit that about half of the profound things I have to say about relationships are taken directly from the movie Keeping the Faith including my favorite words of wisdom, that you can never really commit to anything (or anyone) until you realize and accept that it is a choice.

I get the concept when it comes to relationships. There are billions of people in the world and it's silly to think that someone out there is "the one" for you, to believe that you couldn't truly be happy with anyone except this mythical "one". I learned that lesson the hard way because I thought I'd found my other half. Sure, I enjoyed the Platonic imagery that some God had cleft the complete human form in two halves and we would all spend our lives searching for our other half that would make us complete but what really got me was the idea that you just know when you've met your other half.

I met someone and I knew right away that he was going to be an important part of my life. That's the best way I can describe it, I just had a feeling, I just knew. So, when he and I got together I thought that was it, the feeling coupled with the fact that we ended up together meant he was the one, and for 6 years I never doubted it (even after having seen Keeping the Faith and haveing heard the monumental words of wisdom). Then, I met someone else and I had the same feeling (or a very similar one) for and it wrecked me, broke my heart, and shattered my concept of romantic love. I didn't cheat and I didn't leave because I'd made a commitment and, as I've said, when I commit I really commit, but the original commitment had been based on the idea that I didn't really have a choice and I had to accept that I did have a choice in order to continue. I realize now that what I'd once thought was the most romantic notion in the world, the idea of "the one", isn't very romantic at all. I mean, who wants to be with someone that is with them because they believe they have no choice.

In the movie though, they aren't talking about romantic love when they impart these words of wisdom, they're talking about career choice, specifically a calling from God. Father Havel (played brilliantly by Milos Forman) tells Father Finn (Edward Norton's character), that he was lying when he told the seminary class that if they could see themselves being anything other than a priest they should do that instead. He says, "The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again."

The idea behind that quote is that it applies to any kind of commitment...to a person, or a job, or a sandwich topping. So, yeah, I get it when it comes to people, I have that one down, but the job and the sandwich topping, with those I'm still on autopilot, not really making a choice, just going with the default option. I think what's truly frightening to me is that even once the choice is made, you have to make it again and again becuase there's always going to be other people out there, other jobs out there, other sandwich toppings out there that could make you just as happy as the ones you've chosen.

Who am I?

I'm trying to think of something to write in the "About Me" section of my profile. It doesn't seem like it should be a difficult task, especially for someone as verbose as I generally am. I've been thinking about this for a little while now and I think I've finally figured out the, rather bizarre, reason that I can't think of anything to say about myself. I don't have the knowledge base. I feel pretty confident talking about politics, or cycling, or television. I know a lot about those things. It may seem a bit incongruous to say that I don't know a lot about myself, but trust me, it's at least partly true.

I used to think it was odd how people often seem to describe themselves in terms of what music, movies and books they like. I once asked in a profile how much people think they can really learn about each other that way. Do they really think that their taste in those things types them in some way, and then I, somewhat sarcastically, went on to say that if that's the case I'm a Frank Sinatra/Jerry Bruckheimer/Jane Austen type or The Who/Aaron Sorkin/Tom Robbins type. I find myself now, having to eat those words, not about what music, movies and books I like, but about the fact that it doesn't say anything about me. I realize that you can tell a lot about a person by their taste in music (or books, or movies or TV), and that even if you can't, I certainly judge people by their taste and I'm sure not the only one. If I sit down with a group of people I don't really know the one who says they are a Who fan or an Aaron Sorkin fan is immediately the most interesting person in the room to me.

However, if you're to judge me by my taste in music, movies, TV and books, you're going to get a very odd picture. First glance might tell you I'm a rocker chick, I definitely like classic rock and punk, but that would be belied by the fact that you can frequently find me singing along at the top of my lungs to Britney Spears. You'll find the same type of contradictions in my taste in movies and books and TV. I love Jerry Bruckheimer movies, the more things that blow up the better (Armageddon was one of my favorites), but I also love romantic comedies, historical dramas, sci-fi, fantasy, classic films and movies about sports. I have odd and fairly far reaching taste, and yeah, I guess it says something about me, but I'm not sure what. I really don't know myself that well.

You might assume my inability to create an "About Me" blurb is some sort of modesty on my part but that's not the case at all. If you've read much of this blog you know that I have no problem writing about myself. I devote a fair amount of space to self reflection, I've talked about my indecisiveness, and even written about my dreams. Also, I'm willing to tell ridiculously personal stories about myself to perfect strangers. All they have to do is ask, or happen to be around when someone else asks. In fact, a little over a week ago I told a waitress at Marrakesh the story of how I lost my virginity. I was there, at Marrakesh, with my 4 best girlfriends, and the subject somehow turned to where we each had lost our virginity. Well, the waitress walked by when it was my turn to share, and she was curious, so we invited her to sit down and hear the story. This story doesn't exactly paint me in the best light - to give you an idea it involves a bet (not for money though, for a carton of cigarettes), sex (obviously,) and a construction site - but what do I care. I could say I don't care what she thought of me because I'd never see her again, but that's not really true because after she sat down and heard my super personal story we all talked for another 1/2 hour and exchanged e-mail addresses. I may very well see her again. I just don't care about what kind of impression that story left her with.

You know what? It occurs to me now, that the one thing I can really say about myself is that I am not the kind of person who ever thinks about impressing people or what people think about me. Obviously, there are people who I would love to have think well of me. I would enjoy impressing some people, but it honestly never crosses my mind to censor my life in order to achieve that end, or to supplement it for that matter. It used to, when I was a kid (until about age 15), I wanted badly to be popular. Up to that point if I would pretend to like things, types of music in particular (so we've come full circle here), that I didn't like just so that someone would think I was cool. I would say I'd done things I hadn't, or say I'd not done things that I had in order to make myself look better to people. Later, I actively decided not to like anything that was popular. I just assumed if something was popular that meant it wasn't any good, but I've abandoned that philosophy as well. You've just got to be who you are, but I'm finding that figuring out who I am is a continuous process, I'm not sure I'll ever really have it figured out completely.

So, if you know me, please tell me about myself.