Moving forward
I've often thought that the main reason people have children is to one up their parents. As children we notice every tiny mistake our parents make and we promise ourselves that we will do better. Maybe I just think that because that's the reason I wanted to have children.
My mother worked my whole life. When I was in first grade she went back to school, law school, and she was around even less after that. For a long time I was angry and I resented her not being there. Children need their mothers, girls especially, is what I thought, and my mother would have been Donna freaking Reed if she'd been a stay at home mom. Cooking, cleaning, sewing costumes for dance recitals and Halloween...she excels at stuff like that. I guess she excels at most anything she does actually, but that didn't occur to me at the time.
Now that I look back on it I can hardly believe what an amazing mom she was. It was my dad who put me on the bus for my first day of school, and who drove me to dance classes and doctor appointments, and who picked me up from school when I got sick and my mom who came home late every night, but she did still manage to make it to every one of my dance recitals. In fact, as I said, she sewed my costumes for all of my dance recitals.
Still, I thought that when I had kids I would be there, day and night. I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife and mother so that I could show my mother how it's supposed to be done. But I've come to the realization that even if I did fulfill the fantasy of spending my days doing laundry and baking cookies for my husband and kids I'd still make mistakes, they might not be the ones my mom made, but even if they were, the mistakes my mom made weren't that bad. I turned out okay and now, even though I resented her 20 years ago, I love my mom now (she's my best friend)
From the time I was five years old everyone said that I should go to law school like my mom. At first it was just something people said because people like the idea of daughters following in their mother's footsteps. I swore though, that it was the one thing I would never do. As time went on the suggestion persisted and it became more and more about me. I mean, people started to say that I should be a lawyer because of my argumentative nature not just because of the symmetry of me following in my mother's footsteps. People started to tell me I was born to be a lawyer and I still insisted that it was something I'd never do. I said, I work to live not the other way around and I didn't want to put in the hours that law school, and the practice of law, require because it would take away from what's really important in life (i.e. the people you love).
Lately though, for months now, I've heard myself saying that I need to find a job that takes up all my time. To quote from Sports Night, because what would a post from me be without a quote from Sports Night, I want "a job that involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time". It took hearing myself say that repeatedly, maybe thirty times, before I started to really think about what kind of job that might be. And then I registered for the LSAT.
In all honesty I'm no longer someone who thinks the worst thing in life would be to become my mother. I can't think of many better things that turning out just like my mom. Maybe I'll find the fantasy someday...husband, kids, laundry, cookies, PTA meetings, t-ball games...but if I never find those things at least I'll be able to say that I did something with my life that "involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time".
My mother worked my whole life. When I was in first grade she went back to school, law school, and she was around even less after that. For a long time I was angry and I resented her not being there. Children need their mothers, girls especially, is what I thought, and my mother would have been Donna freaking Reed if she'd been a stay at home mom. Cooking, cleaning, sewing costumes for dance recitals and Halloween...she excels at stuff like that. I guess she excels at most anything she does actually, but that didn't occur to me at the time.
Now that I look back on it I can hardly believe what an amazing mom she was. It was my dad who put me on the bus for my first day of school, and who drove me to dance classes and doctor appointments, and who picked me up from school when I got sick and my mom who came home late every night, but she did still manage to make it to every one of my dance recitals. In fact, as I said, she sewed my costumes for all of my dance recitals.
Still, I thought that when I had kids I would be there, day and night. I wanted nothing more than to be a housewife and mother so that I could show my mother how it's supposed to be done. But I've come to the realization that even if I did fulfill the fantasy of spending my days doing laundry and baking cookies for my husband and kids I'd still make mistakes, they might not be the ones my mom made, but even if they were, the mistakes my mom made weren't that bad. I turned out okay and now, even though I resented her 20 years ago, I love my mom now (she's my best friend)
From the time I was five years old everyone said that I should go to law school like my mom. At first it was just something people said because people like the idea of daughters following in their mother's footsteps. I swore though, that it was the one thing I would never do. As time went on the suggestion persisted and it became more and more about me. I mean, people started to say that I should be a lawyer because of my argumentative nature not just because of the symmetry of me following in my mother's footsteps. People started to tell me I was born to be a lawyer and I still insisted that it was something I'd never do. I said, I work to live not the other way around and I didn't want to put in the hours that law school, and the practice of law, require because it would take away from what's really important in life (i.e. the people you love).
Lately though, for months now, I've heard myself saying that I need to find a job that takes up all my time. To quote from Sports Night, because what would a post from me be without a quote from Sports Night, I want "a job that involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time". It took hearing myself say that repeatedly, maybe thirty times, before I started to really think about what kind of job that might be. And then I registered for the LSAT.
In all honesty I'm no longer someone who thinks the worst thing in life would be to become my mother. I can't think of many better things that turning out just like my mom. Maybe I'll find the fantasy someday...husband, kids, laundry, cookies, PTA meetings, t-ball games...but if I never find those things at least I'll be able to say that I did something with my life that "involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time".
posted by Beth at
6:24 PM
0 Comments
