Commit to a sandwich topping
A while back I wrote that I couldn't commit to anything, not to a guy, or a job, or even a sandwich topping. That's not strictly true. My indecisiveness isn't really a fear of commitment it's a fear of options. In fact, once I do make a decision I really commit, to a guy (I was with my last boyfriend more than 7 years), to a job (I've had the same one for over 4 years) and to a sandwich topping.
I've become a regular at the Subway by my office. I go there 2 or 3 times a week and one of the guys that works there recognizes me now (he's kind of cute, by the way, he looks a little bit like Elvis Costello). I don't have to order anymore when I go there. He knows what to make for me because I order the exact same thing every time I come in.
I'm that girl, the one who is afraid to try new things and claims it's because I've already found things I like. I try not to be, but the thing that really terrifies me is options. Options mean I have to make a choice and that is the one thing I truly suck at. So, even at Subway, where I'm asked to make a myriad of decisions just to order lunch, I manage to convince myself that I don't have choices. I create a pattern and stick with it.
Usually, in life, I am a why asker. You know, those people who seem to have never gotten over the tendency we all had as toddlers to continuously and repeatedly ask "why"? Yeah, I'm one of those. I always question everything, especially things that seem like foregone conclusions.
However, when it comes to my habit of committing to something blindly rather than exploring my options, I haven't questioned at all. Until now. Why do I always get tuna on wheat? How do I know I don't like any of the other bread options if I haven't tried them? And tuna? I ate one tuna sandwich 6 months ago and decided it was the only kind of sandwich I ever wanted to eat again? What is that about?
Oddly enough I'm also the girl that people go to for relationship advise (for many types of advise really, but especially relationship advise) and I have to admit that about half of the profound things I have to say about relationships are taken directly from the movie Keeping the Faith including my favorite words of wisdom, that you can never really commit to anything (or anyone) until you realize and accept that it is a choice.
I get the concept when it comes to relationships. There are billions of people in the world and it's silly to think that someone out there is "the one" for you, to believe that you couldn't truly be happy with anyone except this mythical "one". I learned that lesson the hard way because I thought I'd found my other half. Sure, I enjoyed the Platonic imagery that some God had cleft the complete human form in two halves and we would all spend our lives searching for our other half that would make us complete but what really got me was the idea that you just know when you've met your other half.
I met someone and I knew right away that he was going to be an important part of my life. That's the best way I can describe it, I just had a feeling, I just knew. So, when he and I got together I thought that was it, the feeling coupled with the fact that we ended up together meant he was the one, and for 6 years I never doubted it (even after having seen Keeping the Faith and haveing heard the monumental words of wisdom). Then, I met someone else and I had the same feeling (or a very similar one) for and it wrecked me, broke my heart, and shattered my concept of romantic love. I didn't cheat and I didn't leave because I'd made a commitment and, as I've said, when I commit I really commit, but the original commitment had been based on the idea that I didn't really have a choice and I had to accept that I did have a choice in order to continue. I realize now that what I'd once thought was the most romantic notion in the world, the idea of "the one", isn't very romantic at all. I mean, who wants to be with someone that is with them because they believe they have no choice.
In the movie though, they aren't talking about romantic love when they impart these words of wisdom, they're talking about career choice, specifically a calling from God. Father Havel (played brilliantly by Milos Forman) tells Father Finn (Edward Norton's character), that he was lying when he told the seminary class that if they could see themselves being anything other than a priest they should do that instead. He says, "The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again."
The idea behind that quote is that it applies to any kind of commitment...to a person, or a job, or a sandwich topping. So, yeah, I get it when it comes to people, I have that one down, but the job and the sandwich topping, with those I'm still on autopilot, not really making a choice, just going with the default option. I think what's truly frightening to me is that even once the choice is made, you have to make it again and again becuase there's always going to be other people out there, other jobs out there, other sandwich toppings out there that could make you just as happy as the ones you've chosen.
I've become a regular at the Subway by my office. I go there 2 or 3 times a week and one of the guys that works there recognizes me now (he's kind of cute, by the way, he looks a little bit like Elvis Costello). I don't have to order anymore when I go there. He knows what to make for me because I order the exact same thing every time I come in.
I'm that girl, the one who is afraid to try new things and claims it's because I've already found things I like. I try not to be, but the thing that really terrifies me is options. Options mean I have to make a choice and that is the one thing I truly suck at. So, even at Subway, where I'm asked to make a myriad of decisions just to order lunch, I manage to convince myself that I don't have choices. I create a pattern and stick with it.
Usually, in life, I am a why asker. You know, those people who seem to have never gotten over the tendency we all had as toddlers to continuously and repeatedly ask "why"? Yeah, I'm one of those. I always question everything, especially things that seem like foregone conclusions.
However, when it comes to my habit of committing to something blindly rather than exploring my options, I haven't questioned at all. Until now. Why do I always get tuna on wheat? How do I know I don't like any of the other bread options if I haven't tried them? And tuna? I ate one tuna sandwich 6 months ago and decided it was the only kind of sandwich I ever wanted to eat again? What is that about?
Oddly enough I'm also the girl that people go to for relationship advise (for many types of advise really, but especially relationship advise) and I have to admit that about half of the profound things I have to say about relationships are taken directly from the movie Keeping the Faith including my favorite words of wisdom, that you can never really commit to anything (or anyone) until you realize and accept that it is a choice.
I get the concept when it comes to relationships. There are billions of people in the world and it's silly to think that someone out there is "the one" for you, to believe that you couldn't truly be happy with anyone except this mythical "one". I learned that lesson the hard way because I thought I'd found my other half. Sure, I enjoyed the Platonic imagery that some God had cleft the complete human form in two halves and we would all spend our lives searching for our other half that would make us complete but what really got me was the idea that you just know when you've met your other half.
I met someone and I knew right away that he was going to be an important part of my life. That's the best way I can describe it, I just had a feeling, I just knew. So, when he and I got together I thought that was it, the feeling coupled with the fact that we ended up together meant he was the one, and for 6 years I never doubted it (even after having seen Keeping the Faith and haveing heard the monumental words of wisdom). Then, I met someone else and I had the same feeling (or a very similar one) for and it wrecked me, broke my heart, and shattered my concept of romantic love. I didn't cheat and I didn't leave because I'd made a commitment and, as I've said, when I commit I really commit, but the original commitment had been based on the idea that I didn't really have a choice and I had to accept that I did have a choice in order to continue. I realize now that what I'd once thought was the most romantic notion in the world, the idea of "the one", isn't very romantic at all. I mean, who wants to be with someone that is with them because they believe they have no choice.
In the movie though, they aren't talking about romantic love when they impart these words of wisdom, they're talking about career choice, specifically a calling from God. Father Havel (played brilliantly by Milos Forman) tells Father Finn (Edward Norton's character), that he was lying when he told the seminary class that if they could see themselves being anything other than a priest they should do that instead. He says, "The truth is you can never tell yourself there is only one thing you could be. If you are a priest or if you marry a woman it's the same challenge. You cannot make a real commitment unless you accept that it's a choice that you keep making again and again and again."
The idea behind that quote is that it applies to any kind of commitment...to a person, or a job, or a sandwich topping. So, yeah, I get it when it comes to people, I have that one down, but the job and the sandwich topping, with those I'm still on autopilot, not really making a choice, just going with the default option. I think what's truly frightening to me is that even once the choice is made, you have to make it again and again becuase there's always going to be other people out there, other jobs out there, other sandwich toppings out there that could make you just as happy as the ones you've chosen.
posted by Beth at
5:04 PM
1 Comments:
Being faithful, dedicated, and otherwise committed is one of the most difficult positions to be in, simply because dedication and faithfulness are components of your lower brain whilst "commitment" is part of your higher brain.
If only it were so easy to suppress the highly developed sense of "team" that some of us have. Things certainly would be a lot easier to decide, simply because being selfish and thinking of what's right for you would be first nature and you could pull out of any dive that an overdeveloped sense of "team" might cause.
Being sensitive to the needs and emotions of others is definitely a benefit and a hazard. Unfortunately, it also breeds depression, so there it is...
If nothing else, the Subway sandwich is through your system in 12 hrs max. Other choices you make stick around for quite a bit longer, so don't worry about Subway so much. It's apparently better for you in some ways to eat a consistent meal for lunch (read:the same damn thing), since your body adjusts to the calories in that lunch and is able to work from there in a consistent manner.
I admit I am not a physician, though I've been accused of playing one on TV.
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home