Self Reflection

I am currently tasked with writing a reflective essay for a class I'm taking. I should be reflecting on what I've learned about literary criticism and analysis, but, in reflecting back on this quarter I've found myself thinking more about my personal growth than my academic growth.

After much reflection I finally figured out what I'm afraid of, the very core of my indecisive nature, and here it is:

I am afraid of being wrong. I'm afraid that the things that I want are the wrong things and, lets face it, they often have been so it's a more realistic fear than most. The reason I can't commit to anything (person, or career path, or sandwich topping), is because I am terrified that I'll make the wrong choice. On the bright side, once I do make a choice I really stick with it, but the fear of making the wrong choice is strong. In the past three months I've tossed aside a lot of fears I didn't realize I had, that I didn't even know were holding me back, and looking back on it I can't really say what made me push my limits. Perhaps it was necessity, or frustration, or external influences that I didn't even notice at first.

I had a weird dream a few nights ago. Weird both in that I hardly ever remember my dreams (I remember maybe two or three dreams a year) and also weird with regard to the contents of the dream. I dreamt that I was standing, in what I think was an airport, at a door (probably at the gate), and a guy I barely know was standing on the other side of the open door saying, repeatedly, "are you coming?" and beckoning me to follow. I know, as dream imagery goes this seems ridiculously obvious -- guy I barely know standing on the other side of the door represents, what else, the Unknown and my reluctance to follow is obviously my fear of said Unknown. Of course, it wasn't a guy I don't know at all and if it were a "fear of the unknown" dream then why any familiarity at all? Maybe it's a less metaphorical connection than that, maybe this guy I barely know has pushed me to take more chances without my realizing it and the dream was just pointing it out. In the dream, I did ultimately follow him through the door.

Now it has me wondering how much influence someone you barely know can have on your life. Is this guy the reason I've become, what I think is, a better version of myself? All of the sudden, over the last three months, I've started doing things that I've always wanted to do but for some reason never got around to. I mean, I just met him and I'm not inclined to believe that the timing is coincidence.

Then again maybe it has nothing to do with him. Maybe I'm totally over-analyzing (and not giving myself enough credit). Maybe dreams don't mean anything and this guy is just in my head because I saw him practically every day this quarter. Either way I'm glad I met him because, whether he had an influence on me or not, it's rare to meet someone as cool as this guy.

"I don't even know her and, no joke, I really like her. It's a little painful to me that I'm not gonna be seeing her tonight" - Dan (Sports Night)