Like a rolling stone

I'm about to graduate from university and I've been a college dropout for so long I don't really know how to deal with the world as a college graduate. I think even when I went back to school, even when I switched to part time work so I could go back to school full time, I still felt like a college dropout. I wonder if that feeling of deficiency will ever really go away. I mean, I'll always be a college dropout. Having gone back and ultimately gotten a degree doesn't change the fact that, originally, I dropped out. Not to mention which, the first time around I didn't do well in school because I didn't know what I wanted then, I was unfocused. I left school with a 2.71 GPA. Obviously, I've brought my average up considerably since then, but a decent GPA isn't enough to make me feel really successful.

What would make me feel really successful would be knowing what I want and going after it. My major was a default choice and my career options are based more on where I want to be than what I want to do. I'm applying for a job that would split my time between Oxford (where my best friend is moving next week) and Munich (where I just spent one of the best months of my life). It's a great job, that sounds interesting, and fun, and it's for a company that I would love to work for, plus I'd be great at it, but it's the business track. Definitely not the creative path. I have this dual nature, practical and logical on the one hand while creative on the other. It keeps me in a constant state of inner conflict which is why the title of this blog is "We'll die with our options open".

Am I ever going to figure out what I want out of life? Or is it more that I want it all, a career that will be reliable (read: make me a lot of money) and creatively fulfilling, but no one can really have it all? Of course, a friend told me recently, that, if I don't even try, I'll not only not have it all, I won't have anything. Or, in the immortal words of Mick Jagger and Kieth Richards, "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need".

I needed to hear that. It's a good friend that will tell you to quit being such a coward and start living life. I'm lucky to have that.