Oh no I didn't

A friend of mine recently was lamenting to me that she sometimes gets accused of being defensive when she's just making an argument. I used to get that a lot too and, I wondered, when does defending yourself against a false accusation become "being defensive". By definition being defensive shouldn't have the negative connotation that it does, as defending oneself isn't really a bad thing (or isn't always a bad thing). However, people tend to say it when they think someone is trying to defend themselves when really they're guilty (or wrong).

I don't usually react that way when I'm wrong. If someone accuses me of something I've actually done, or argues a point with me where I'm not sure I'm in the right, I may try to deny it, but I won't do so vehemently (which is what most people would call "defensive"). I tend to fly off the handle when someone says something false about me which then just fans the fire because they see my "defensiveness" and take it as evidence of guilt.

In the 8th grade when my friends accused me of having a crush on this guy in our algebra class I stood up (on the school bus) and screamed at them. The thing is I didn't even really know the guy. Algebra was the only class I had with him, he was new at our school, and I'd never really talked to him. I made quite the scene. So, I called him to tell him he'd probably be hearing about it the next day at school. He asked me if it was true that I liked him and I told him no, but that it wasn't that I didn't like him, I just didn't know him. We talked for about an hour and by the end of the call I kind of did like him. So it worked out well, but in the beginning I was absolutely adamant that no one think I liked this guy who I didn't even know.

My senior year in high school a rumor started that I stuffed my bra. It's true that I did gain a cup size at the beginning of my senior year in high school (regular readers of this blog may have a theory about why, I know I do), but the one thing I've never in my life done is try to make my boobs look bigger than they are. I was one of two kids at my school who had to get their first bra in the 4th grade, so if anything I was embarrassed about the size of my chest (until very recently). Also, what I suspected to be the real reason my boobs got bigger would have been far more damaging to my reputation at school. I guess I should consider myself lucky that they didn't know the real reason, but the thing is, I never minded people spreading rumors about me that were true. It was when someone said something false about me that I really got my hackles up.

So, when someone says to me, "there's no need to get defensive", I have to disagree. When someone has accused you of something you didn't do, and then calls you defensive for trying to set them right, that's the definition of adding insult to injury.

Over the years it happens to me less and less because I've realized that it's not what you say that makes people think you're being defensive, it's how you say it. I've learned to keep my temper in check which was actually pretty easy since my temper only ever flared in instances like these. In fact I've been described by some as the most even tempered person in the world. There was always just this one exception to my even temper.

Last night, at a friends birthday party, we got to talking about the misdeeds of our youth (or lack there of in some cases), and it turned out I was the bad seed of the group (go figure). My mom was there and we got to talking about things that she thought I'd done in high school as opposed to things I'd actually done. She was way off base. I was upset that she thought, for example, that I'd been drinking beer in my step-dads car (which was essentially like saying I'd been drinking and driving). I just told her in my best debater tone that a) until I got to college I'd never tasted beer and b) until I got to college most of the alcohol I'd had at all was in drinks served to me by her at family functions. We all laughed and no one accused me of getting defensive.